Trust

Now that you’ve heard the birth story. I’d like to share my experience afterward. Actually, this post serves as an explanation of why I haven’t posted much since her birth. {smile}

Even though I've heard about the "sleepless" nights with a newborn, I was shocked at the depth of sleep deprivation I experienced after Aleigha's birth.

I thought I was prepared since I hardly slept in college. If I could earn a bachelor’s on five hours of sleep a night for weeks at a time, surely I could handle waking up a few times a night to nurse a baby? I didn’t consider, however, the recovery process after delivery and the difficulties of nursing.

Recovering after a 50-hour labor takes time. My sleepless college nights never included catching up on sleep after a two all-nighters in a row.  Unlike in college, after giving birth, I couldn’t choose to sleep for 12 hours straight to pay my sleep debt. As a nursing mommy, I needed to be available to my baby daughter around the clock.

I’m convinced that the combination of a hard delivery and the need to nurse a baby every 2 hours immediately after giving birth is a product of the Fall. God, in His Goodness, would never create the combination of a hard labor and an always-hungry baby, right? Or would He? While hard labor is, I believe, part of the curse, God, in His Goodness, redeems the hardships in our lives for His glory.

Our first night home from the hospital was far from restful. My little baby cried so much, waking up every 45 minutes around the clock. My mother stayed with us for the first week, and was gracious to get up with me every time Aleigha nursed. As a new mommy, I was scared and worried that I didn’t know how to care for my baby.

At 3 am, Aleigha woke-up crying. I could hear her perfectly; she slept in a little co-sleeper next to our bed. I rolled out of bed, scooped her up, and stumbled into our living room. Aleigha refused to eat, however. After a few sucks, she fell asleep. I tried in vain to wake her up, knowing that if I put her back in bed, she would only wake up and want to nurse again.

I was hitting my wall. Why did she refuse to eat for longer than 5 minutes? Why would she refuse to sleep for longer than 45 minutes? Would this really last all day and all night?

My mom finally took Aleigha from me and said, “I’ll get her to sleep and come an wake you when she needs to eat again.” Those two hours were the best sleep I’d had in days.

For the next two-and-half months, I was completely, utterly, exhausted. I felt like I was going crazy.  A small part of me was bitter that I was the one primarily responsible for waking up with her. I was her source of food and comfort. Couldn’t I have a break? I quickly learned that once I became a mother, I’d always be a mother....

In the middle of night, I awoke, yet again to her cries. I was not only tired and frustrated, but also fearful and anxious. Would I ever get enough rest? Tiredness is manageable, but utter exhaustion...? 

Then, somewhere in the chaos of sleep deprivation, I realized that I needed to trust: trust that God knew my pain and would sustain me. He gave us Aleigha, and He would provide the means with which to care for her. If the only sleep I could get was an interrupted 4 hours of sleep, He knew, and would care for us. 

I can’t say that I’ve always maintained a good attitude in the middle of the night, but from that moment, my attitude changed. On those nights when I see every hour of the night, I’m too tired to remember much, but I can say one word: Trust.